I feel like I'm drowning but not in the way I'm used to. I can breathe, actually better as if the air is just pure relaxing energy. But I'm flooded with it. There's this tingling in my limbs, but not from anxiety ... More like excitement maybe? I've always had a masochist's relationship with pain but I don't think I've ever looked so forward to it, not necessarily eager for pain; what I'm drawn to seems to have shifted a bit.
If I were normal, I'd panic thinking I'm being erased because all the reactions and emotions I'm familiar with are just kinda changing on me. But I'm not normal. I don't have much real me to erase so it almost seems like I'm gaining a me, if that makes a lick of sense. For so long as I can remember, I've just been a collection of what people told me I was. I barely had a congruent self though I guess my morals and values were mostly consistent, but those were the bare bones that made me a person. And any part of me that I deemed real, I hid. I felt I had to or I'd lose that part forever. It's been a strange life, being just a little too fluid to be real.
So I feel I'm finally gaining the building blocks I somehow never got growing up. It feels as weird as it feels exhilarating. It's scary too being I don't understand entirely what or how it's happening. My emotions are just all over the place, but mostly positive. That's another thing I'm not used to, card-carrying pessimist that I am. Anyway I hope I can look back on this writing in the future where I may have gained some understanding; just wanted a snapshot of my thoughts.
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