When you have someone cut right through your damage and shine a light on your soul, it makes the shadows others have placed inside you run. Thoughts you've thought about yourself fade away, and for a moment, you share your play partner's vision of you. It's a rare type of intimacy, for me anyway.
To follow him as he tests you and to pass when you feel like you're failing is painful and confusing but it lifts a weight off your heart. And, there will be sadness when I process and look at how much damage was there for years by looking at all the layers his lesson just sliced through, but that's okay. I can give that sadness a moment because it will be overridden by the indescribable joy knowing I'm that much closer to him. The joy knowing there's one less hurdle in my way towards him.
And then I realize I'm making several references to submission instead of using that word. Yeah, it dawns on me. But, I do submit. I don't feel this type of intimacy as a bottom, these scenes aren't merely scenes. But I'm not a submissive and I don't want to get carried away. It doesn't matter to me, I'm not fighting it but I'm not forcing it. Wherever the collection of beautiful moments takes us, as long as we walk together, that's what matters. For I've seen his leadership and his Dominance and his friendship cut through a lot of noise as he reaches into my true self, the vulnerable part and that honestly transcends labels for me.
It's going to be a wild journey for us both. Giggles.
Update:
The juxtaposition of our two styles is most apparent right now in the tender, caring way you scrap away the crap the world has piled on me versus how abrasive and cold I've been in the same task with others. Not only do I see how my style doesn't work but I'm drawn to that tenderness you show. That level of patience and concern and intimacy is, for lack of a better word, heartwarming. It seems to have caused a huge change in me and now I'm calmed down enough to learn and grow. At least some, I'm sure there's more to scrap away, but I have never seen such progress so quickly. It's a bit scary on one hand but I can tell I'm going to thrive and transform for you. And initially, I wasn't sure I wanted to, but now I know I do.
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