6-10-2020 Journal

I fear a big secret is about to be exposed. Maybe it's only secret in my head but obvious to people who know me reasonably well. In thinking about this, and discussing it briefly with my husband, I've arrived at the opinion that perhaps this can be a good thing. Maybe I will find resolution for a piece of myself, whether purposely or as an added bonus. That thought leads me to wonder, well, does this issue/problem cause havoc in my life that I don't see, ignore, or misinterpret?

And yanno, I think it absolutely does because any piece of you that doesn't assimilate with the rest of you tends to fuck up the party so to speak. I'd be foolish to think I'm getting away with having any issue without real repercussions.

This should be interesting.

6-8-2020 Journal

Today was interesting. I've been in sadist mode all day, maybe even the last few days. And sometimes, for unknown reasons, the switch back to my baseline self just doesn't happen as smoothly as I'd like. But I learned tonight that my heart knows how to submit regardless what mode I may be stuck in, all I have to do is stop and listen. And that is where my connection to him is and I will be listening to that like it's my favorite song now.

Now that I'm where I need to be to start, I look forward to tomorrow in a completely different way. And I'm anxious in the same way as before lol.

6-2-2020 Journal

Pressure

This probably shouldn't be so confusing to me, but I don't understand the feeling. Physically, yeah, I know pressure, but emotionally? Now, I've experienced peer pressure in highschool until my friends realized I wasn't really responsive to it. I can see it in that way, acknowledge it, but I don't feel anything emotionally at all. I get I'm supposed to feel an urge to fit in I guess, as far as peer pressure goes, but I don't. Something in me is missing or broken. It's the same for a lot of other social pressures, but what does it feel like from a partner?

I've had partners in the past use peer pressure. I've had them use guilt trips. I've been abused. There's many different ways to get someone to do something against their will. I feel it kinda superficially, like I realize what they're trying to do and how they expect me to respond. But ... I don't feel naturally inclined to respond as expected nor do I respond the exact opposite just to surprise them. I just respond with doing what I actually feel is best.

Is feeling pressure the same as getting flustered? Is it more a sickening feeling like shakes and nausea? Is it submitting to pressure if you analyze the request and feel it's a wise choice? Is pressure the only reason people do what is right sometimes? Am I thinking too hard? Probably. Welcome to my personal hell.

What is pressure really boils down to mere discomfort? That, I understand and that I can not only acknowledge but can feel. I'm uncomfortable 24/7, so am I under constant pressure? Is that maybe why I'm not as responsive to pressure others try to exert on me? Maybe this is a blessing..?

If pressure is emotional discomfort, then aren't we all under constant pressure? Most people I know are stuck in discomfort either emotionally, physically, or both. The Earth should be a diamond by now. Is this why there's so much nastiness and violence and drug use? We're all trying to relieve this discomfort, vent some of the pressure?

Why then does it seem people are highly responsive to manipulative tactics like peer pressure when I'm in the same discomfort yet I'm over here doing my own thing whether it's the expected or not? Am I really broken or is it a good thing? I mean, it kept me from drugs and ruining my life on multiple occasions after all. But does it make me inhuman to be this way? Do I even care if I'm human? Yes and no. I care for me, I don't care how others perceive me. I want to know, for my own soul, that being different doesn't make me less human.

If this weren't the only difference, I'd probably not be as concerned, but dear God I'm a fucking alien at times. I don't need to belong, I need to know my difference doesn't mean I'm a bad person. And unfortunately, no one can actually answer that, not even me. Welcome to my personal hell.