5-30-2020 Journal

I'm aware that I'm insecure (I think most people can tell it too), but it's been a long time since I've really felt the powerlessness of it. I find it interesting that I feel more helpless sitting in that than fear and panic combined. Also interesting, I don't feed off this helplessness in my typical masochistic way. Fear and panic, yes please, I eat those up and ask for more. Anger and insecurity, huh uh, I wanna pass. I get that no one tends to like feeling intimidated or embarrassed in general (thinking with a vanilla mind here), but I'm so used to my masochism being stoked even in the vanilla world that it spun my head to find that I still don't like these things in a kink world. I'm really analytical right now and looking at my emotions like they're on a slide under a microscope and I'm as detached as a scientist. I just realized I'm disassociating from the entire experience.

To be honest here, it wasn't that bad, my response is just really riled up..? I'm not sure what's been triggered emotionally at the point, but something definitely has.

And I swear I can hear words echoing in my head about shaking loose what becomes entangled in a person. I'm aware something was yank upon a bit, not completely (probably due to mercy lol), but something is going to be pulled from me. I'm not sure what this has to do with pressure. I don't really associate pulling with exerting pressure, they tend to feel entirely different to me emotionally. My head is spinning.

The only things about this I can say for certain is that this is going to test my pain limits in specific areas that aren't the highest and that the pain will be worth it somehow. Everything else, I haven't a clue.

ADDENDUM

If being in pieces can be beautiful, what if I'm already fragmented? Juggling mental states all the time has had more downs than ups. If, when the pieces are picked up, they are arranged differently, would that allow me to see some of this that I don't understand?

5-7-2020 Fiction

Music

"Tonight we're going to unbox your feelings for me," he said matter factly with a chill to his voice. If only she could respond so calm. She struggled internally to be stoic, to hide her desperation and her concerns. She had no idea what to expect but knew he'd dig into the core of her being; he'd find secrets. She lowered her head to avert her eyes almost immediately and just as quickly, his hand was under her chin lifting it back up. He forced her to look at him. The more he stared into her eyes, the more she began to unravel.

Come clean she willed herself. Desperation took hold when she realized she couldn't risk it. Her face went from the composure of a poker player to crumpling almost in on itself in agony. The sharp abrupt change in her demeanor caused him to blink rapidly at her a moment but he didn't say a word. He only continued to stare. Listening.

"Please don't hurt me," She begged suddenly. The sincerity cracked her voice. The absurdity of asking a sadist not to hurt was momentarily lost on her.

"Oh my, such innocence," he murmured caressing her cheek and trailing down the side of her neck, "such naivety. Don't you understand little girl that growing up hurts? That I teach you through the pain?" His eyes penetrated her unwaveringly.

"I am too weak," she confessed in tears. He reached out and whisked a few drops away in such a manner as to suggest how useless these tears were to him.

"Which means you need me more than ever."

She almost fell apart right then but steadied herself just enough; barely holding on and yet congratulating herself on what she managed. In the end, he did nothing, at least in that moment. All it took tonight was his eyes glowering down into hers. The fear was unbearable. Secretly she marveled at the way he took down another wall without a single strike on her flesh. His words not even sharp as razors; they didn't have to be and he knew it. One layer shedding was tolerable. She sighed a little easier as he turned to walk, giving her the impression that this was all.

"I won't abandon you in the pain," he said pausing his footsteps, "I won't do what you had done to me."

Her eyes closed trying to contain all the deeper tears, the ones that weren't as easily controlled or stopped once they began. She refused to let them fall, refusing to be sliced open by his parting remark. Her resolve now robust; she could keep it all in. She could continue to hide within herself forever if she damn well chose, and that, he also knew. But before his fingertips touched the doorknob, she fell to her knees. Her eyes opened, flitting back and forth at the floor, seeming incredulous at what had happened. Then a look of acceptance took her face and she let out a pitiful wail. A trumpet call of sorts announcing some seal had been broken, some new level of excavation achieved.

"Music," he said with a smile and turned the knob.

5-4-2020 Journal

I've been having a lot of rapid change and epiphanies lately. I naturally question that. When you've been starved of sustenance, when you get a taste you're so thirsty you suck it up like a sponge. So I guess that's what is happening.

When you're a victim of something or someone, I think we all briefly forget we have a choice because the more obvious thing is the lack of it against the force bearing down on us. Our choice is how we respond and I'm not referring to the immediate reactions. I'm looking at the series of subtle, almost undetectable choices we make that erode us over passing time. We may have told ourselves we're not going to let x,y, or z change us but we often change without even noticing.

I didn't realize I'd made the choice to cut off my emotions. The life I've had certainly never gave me the impression I held any power at all. From feeling so insignificant, I stopped looking or even understanding some of my words and actions. I couldn't understand why it would hurt someone for me to say I didn't want them to care about me- couldn't fathom why that would matter to them let alone wrap my head around why they'd care in the first place. I can't even imagine the unintentional damage I've caused to other people that I couldn't see with my own eyes.

However, one thing I do know is guilt is a selfish emotion. I'm not going to drown my soul in it, that won't help anyone. In fact, that would just propagate the cycle of feeling worthless and lead me right back to causing harm. No, I will choose sorrow. I will experience it but not wallow and turn it into guilt. And then I will apologize, forgive myself, and move forward because that's the healthy thing to do for everyone involved. That is the power I have.

I'm not helpless or hopeless. Having these new thoughts in my head brings me the peace I need to accomplish this plan. Kinda weird how it's all neatly intertwined. I won't get into my thoughts on that, though. I just wanted to share my thoughts in case any of my rambling helps someone else.