I've been having a lot of rapid change and epiphanies lately. I naturally question that. When you've been starved of sustenance, when you get a taste you're so thirsty you suck it up like a sponge. So I guess that's what is happening.
When you're a victim of something or someone, I think we all briefly forget we have a choice because the more obvious thing is the lack of it against the force bearing down on us. Our choice is how we respond and I'm not referring to the immediate reactions. I'm looking at the series of subtle, almost undetectable choices we make that erode us over passing time. We may have told ourselves we're not going to let x,y, or z change us but we often change without even noticing.
I didn't realize I'd made the choice to cut off my emotions. The life I've had certainly never gave me the impression I held any power at all. From feeling so insignificant, I stopped looking or even understanding some of my words and actions. I couldn't understand why it would hurt someone for me to say I didn't want them to care about me- couldn't fathom why that would matter to them let alone wrap my head around why they'd care in the first place. I can't even imagine the unintentional damage I've caused to other people that I couldn't see with my own eyes.
However, one thing I do know is guilt is a selfish emotion. I'm not going to drown my soul in it, that won't help anyone. In fact, that would just propagate the cycle of feeling worthless and lead me right back to causing harm. No, I will choose sorrow. I will experience it but not wallow and turn it into guilt. And then I will apologize, forgive myself, and move forward because that's the healthy thing to do for everyone involved. That is the power I have.
I'm not helpless or hopeless. Having these new thoughts in my head brings me the peace I need to accomplish this plan. Kinda weird how it's all neatly intertwined. I won't get into my thoughts on that, though. I just wanted to share my thoughts in case any of my rambling helps someone else.
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