This is an actual scene completed on 9/28/2020 to start to deal with childhood trauma.
“Go get me the paddle,” he says rather abruptly mid-conversation. My heart sinks immediately. I knew we were tackling a scene that day where I'd be facing a particular trigger, I had no clue he'd be throwing another trigger on top of it. I go and get a paddle regardless and feel my fingers tighten around it as I approach him. I loosen my death grip just in time as he takes the paddle from me. I had expected I might not actually let go of the damn thing. He leads me to the bathroom and I'm tensing up.
“I'm probably going to use 'Yellow' to pause, I don't want to end the scene,” I tell him as we walk into the bathroom, “I need to face this.”
He looks down at me then silently pulls my shirt over my head. He places the paddle on the cold tile floor. I keep my eyes on him and ignore the paddle completely. He can feel my apprehension as he slips behind me and slides his hands down my waist pulling off my pants. “I don't think you'll need the word yellow,” he says.
I suck in my breath. I'm starting to shake and when I try to talk, I can't. I'm screaming inside of my head that he has no idea. I want to tell him, but I just stay still and quiet. I'm half-praying to just face this and not call any colors at all be it yellow, red, fucking purple. I've got two traumas at play here, maybe it counts as more; a bundle? This is starting out exactly like my dream the night before but I decide not to tell him until afterward. I don't want to somehow negatively affect the scene. I briefly think about the notes for the dream on my phone and have a ridiculous thought that he somehow saw. I hate my paranoia and how my brain is another sadist working in complement with him.
My eyes drift down towards the paddle on the floor. Memories of my past start clicking on and off in my mind like some sort of seizure and I quickly look back to the tub drain. He pushes me down by my shoulders until I'm on my knees. He reaches over and turns on the faucet. I stare at the water, but it's not even the scary thing now. I'm trying to make friends with it like it'll save me from memories and drown them out. Jesus, I think, I make no fucking sense. Does he know I'm starting to lose my mind already in the anticipation?
He drops on a knee and turns off the water. Lifting me up, my belly is pressed against the ledge of the tub. “I'm going to start slow. I want you to plug your nose and willingly go under the water for me,” he says, “I will drop the paddle once. It's your cue to lift your head out of the water.”
I look at him in confusion but nod. So, he's just using the paddle for noise, as a signal? Relief washes over me realizing he's not going to beat my ass with it. I grab my nose still looking at him and shut my eyes. I was going crazy for nothing, this is just about the water. I lower my face about halfway to the bottom of the tub when I realize I may not hear the paddle hit the floor. It's okay, I know he'll yank me up if I don't hear it. The water surrounds my face and I'm just focusing on listening for the paddle to drop against the tile. Suddenly, the paddle lands against my bottom and I freeze.
He reaches in and lifts my head out of the water because I couldn't even move. I sputter out the word yellow and some incoherent apology. Then when I catch my breath add, “I'm okay. I'm okay. I can do this, I promise, please continue, I'm sorry.” Swiftly, he dunks my head under the water without warning. I didn't have time to grab my nose so I'm trying to be careful of that. The water, though, is calming like a dream. Anything is better than the paddle right now and I'm praying he doesn't take a second swing. He lands a few harder swats.
I cry out and suck in a huge gulp of bathwater. I yank upwards coughing. Fuck, fuck, I'm thinking as I lower myself back under, holding my nose this time. I'm again calming down in the water, holding back the memories though they keep trying to roll through my mind. It feels like I've been under a bit too long and I'm almost unable to hold my breath any longer. I start to slowly resurface when he cracks my ass again. I yank up coughing up more water.
“Jesus, can you stop the paddle?” I blurt out then my face turns red. I start to lower my face in and then add, “I'm calling Yellow I need a moment or my little is gonna pop out.” He merely reaches over me and dips the paddle into the water and stares at me. I worry he hadn't heard me. “I still need a-” I begin but then he starts to rub my bottom while looking into my eyes. I lose my thoughts so entranced with him. I relax into the water once more, forgetting to hold my nose. I don't even care.
He cracks my bottom with the wet paddle at lightning speed three times then stops. I scream as I emerge from the water. Images of my mother breaking a cutting board across my ass when I was nine years old floods my head. “I'm sorry!!” I start crying and go to dunk myself under but he catches my shoulder.
“What are you sorry for, baby?” He asks. I don't look at him, I stare ahead to the water.
“I don't know, whatever I did,” I mumble and go under. I let my tears float into the tub. He lifts me back out of the water by my hair and holds me there.
“Poor baby,” he says while landing another three swats turning my bottom to the shade of red he likes. I murmur what was meant to be the word yellow but I'm not sure what exactly came out of my mouth. He looks at me. “Did you say something to me?”
“Yellow,” I say again more distinctly. He rubs my bottom again letting go of my hair. My memories are still rolling in my head but the longer he touches me, the more they are soothed away.
“Do you want to crawl into the tub for aftercare?” He asks, “If so, I might have to put a collar on you and attach a leash so you don't drown.” He grins down at me. My mind feels a charge coming off of his words and I shake it off.
“No more paddle? I made it through?” I ask.
“You made it,” he confirms and smiles at me.
“I'd like that, yes, very much,” I say bewildered that the scene is over. I actually survived a paddling.
“It's your first experience with this and I want to slowly climb to your threshold at some point,” He says helping me into the tub. He takes a fistful of my hair. “I'm going to hold you since I didn't bring a collar or a leash into the bathroom.”
“I adore you,” I murmur in a daze, "Yanno, I had a dream just like this last night only ... I didn't make it through."
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