9-21-2020 Journal

I just realized I'm in love. In all its forms. It was right in front of my face all along but I didn't want to see it for reasons. But now I've run face first into this fact n can't unsee it. N I don't know what to do. 

I said it once because I thought it was true. Maybe indeed it was n I knew it. Or maybe I wasn't but was being psychic. Something inside of me knew where I belonged n the rest of me fought it like hell. Maybe it's different now because I don't have any fight in me left. Maybe I do, I am stubborn. I wish I could know for sure. I'm sure I'll continue to fight n put up walls, I always do, that's who I am. But I fear something is different and my usual reactions aren't going to rise to the occasion.

What if I can't fight? What if I can't build a wall quick enough? What if that ends up being a good thing? What if he disappears? What if I don't say anything, is that technically hiding if I just simply don't offer the information? Yeah. He'd see it like that. Fuck. I literally have no way out of this box. I belong here though why am I looking for an exit? Wtf am I this afraid of?

I should just go back to sleep. I can force myself to be tired this morning, wouldn't take much. 

Why does love feel like the best n worst pain right in my chest? He's gonna disappear. That's why. But I promised to stop hiding. Like an idiot. How the hell did he get me to say that? Was i drunk of his presence that much?? Yeah I am. Heh. I really fucked myself here.

Part Two

Know thyself, they say. I thought I did. I think I do. Who doesn't, right, aren't you the expert on you?

I realized this morning that I only have one strong burning need. Everything else is just a mere want. And unfortunately, this should have been obvious. I mean, maybe the suspicion was there but I couldn't fathom it fully enough to see clearly.

I think I know what I need to do n what I need to concentrate on now. As much as I fought it unknowingly. Yeah .. I fought hard n still will because stubborn. But  ... Okay I'm still very confused, bear with me here.  Maybe I fought because it wasn't ideal. I kept searching out there looking for what was in front of my face all along just like everyone else seems to do. That part is amusing in a way, how I can see so clearly when someone else does that all the while I'm guilty myself.

I know I still want to fight because so much just doesn't make sense to me about the situation. But I belong. It's home, calling to me. A siren song that I've been dancing to all this time while pretending I can't hear the music. Foolish. Oh, I hear it now. I hear nothing else.