1. My identity. Whether slave or submissive, I've experienced varying degrees of infringement on my identity. From benign changing of my online screen name to someone wanting to register me as a number n forcibly branding my thigh. Obviously, there are things in this category I'm comfortable with, for example, a screen name only feels like part of my identity, it's a superficial emotional investment I can certainly let go of for the right partner. However, branding or reducing myself to a number or generic name in the interaction cuts too deep to be healthy for me. Fantasy aside. I will not give up my sense of self because I absolutely need it. It's impossible, I'd think, to grow at all without one.
2. The ability to say "no" and to leave on my own terms. This may be a no-brainer but I've succumbed to the seduction of that fantasy n found it pretty toxic. I need to disagree sometimes, to feel my thoughts are valid. I don't expect this always works in the way I want in a moment but I need to have the option to choose. I don't want to feel helpless or trapped in a relationship, I want to want to be there. In fact, I need to want to be there. Submission should be hard, yes, but it shouldn't be forced or coerced. Overcoming a difficult sacrifice should feel good, not defeating. It's also impossible to have a sense of identity without the ability to have a differing opinion and etc.
3. Being made to block friends or isolate from family. This includes any commands that I can make a reasonable case where it would lead to isolation. I'm fully done with Dominants who are so insecure about what a friend or whoever may say about them or their methods and how I may be swayed to leave. This ties in pretty strongly with #2. If I want to be there, no one's going to sway me. I'm a stubborn little shit. Can people plant things that can bloom in your brain, though? Absolutely, we're all susceptible to that as human beings. my own brain's paranoia works the same and no manner of isolation is going to stop that. Being able to bring up my concerns without fear of reprisals (related to point 2, again) is crucial to ward off these incidents. If someone in particular is being toxic to my relationship, I will eventually see it myself. I will need to see it myself and choose my own course of action based on circumstance and the person involved. Being forced to cut someone out fo my life with very little input of mine being considered just makes me resentful and makes whatever words that person may have whispered in my ear all that more impactful. That's how these things work.
4. Name-calling. Okay, I know lots of people get off on humiliation and degradation. I really don't, but that's not the type of name-calling I'm referring to here. If I am under someone, a Dominant, I expect them to conduct a conversation in a meaningful way without resorting to calling me abusive, toxic, etc just to manipulate me (outside of scenes, yanno, obviously). If my behavior ever gets bad enough to warrant these labels, there's plenty of better ways to correct that and hold me accountable that are far more effective at modifying behavior. Everyone has moments of shitty behavior but calling someone toxic is calling them a toxic PERSON. I think a good start is calling the BEHAVIOR toxic, at minimal, right? And you should be accurate if you do so otherwise you're setting up a bad foundation for future issues. I absolutely can be a garbage person sometimes, especially when angry or embarrassed. I can't work on that behavior is I'm being degraded daily for it, if there are times where I wasn't even behaving that way lumped in with legit instances, if the Dominant is worse with being that way than even I am, or if forgiveness/ healing/ intimacy is literally yanked away and just dangled like a carrot over me while the goalposts keep moving. These are all situations I've found myself in, unfortunately. I have real issues and I want to work on them. I do a lot of that work all alone, on my own time, because it's my own personal goal to be a better person. I don't respond well to being pistol-whipped with something I did every day for YEARS after the fact, no one does.
5.Diet. Here's the thing, most Dominants who've ventured into this area with me were, to be frank, morons when it came to even basic nutrition. They've all caused me to calorie restrict which, had they took the time to even ask a single health question, they'd have learned was absolutely not a good thing. It also doesn't work if you have certain thyroid conditions, you will actually start to gain weight. I thought that was basic knowledge and have since learned virtually no one is educated on that. That's fine, but if someone with the condition informs you (with sources, mind you), you need to look at it. I don't have an official degree but if they want to pay for it, I can earn one to back up my actual knowledge. Regardless, I have a mono diet (most days because broke and covid). I have multiple food allergies and intolerances, lucky me. I've found what works for my body, not only with losing weight but having less pain and more energy. I will allow no one to just waltz right in and dictate what I put in my body unless they're saying things I'm already trying to abide by, such as no fast food. I mean, if they wanna bitch about my lack of water, that's cool too. But I eat what I eat at the times I eat after careful research and lots of trial and error. My goals do not include weight loss. I'm fat and it's unhealthy, yes, but it's merely a biometric I measure to make sure I'm not accidentally ingesting something I am having a bad reaction to. One of many biometrics. It's fun to lose weight, no lie, but I will get sidetracked in a very unhealthy way if I focus too much on the scale. If my Dominant is that focused on my scale, it's just really off-putting. Cue the time where the Dominant was 2 times bigger than me, that was cute and no, I don't need all the fat hatred projection dude thanks. I don't hate myself for being fat. I know why it happened, that it wasn't my fault, and that I can do something about it now after years of battling. I'm good with where my weight is at as it slowly comes into health. And yeah, I still don't know wtf a bon-bon is dude but apparently, you do ;)~
6. No negotiation is realistically exhaustive at the start of a dynamic. If you add something new, previously not discussed, then don't pretend I have less or no power to negotiate. If I agreed to relinquish that right before a change, then I did so without properly being informed of the specific new thing, no? You don't get to have agreement A then introduce B with the same impunity. We are both responsible outside of our roles and labels in the lifestyle.
I think that's it so far. It's kinda hard to think when you've got three dogs whining at you for breakfast.
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