I've had non-sadists ask me "How do you punish a masochist?" Bewildering question. My answer has always been that because I hate to disappoint, punishment doesn't feel the same as a scene. And that's absolutely true. When I got into emotional masochism, part of me did wonder, would punishment still feel different or be effective? Well, in the respect of feeling miserable for disappointing, yes, it still hurts in a way that's far from erotic, and it probably still pretty effective in its own right. However, I was punished last night in a way beyond preemptive comprehension.
And thinking about it, being miserable for disappointing- that actually comes from me, it's my own punishment I am dealing out to myself. Again, has it's own appropriate purposes, but how does a Sadist make the punishment his own if relying on that flavor? He can't, he needs to actually not rely on it at all. He doles out his own flavor, regardless of what I'm doing to myself. They can complement each other or be two very separate things, I'm not sure if it matters, but having a Sadist who is cognizant of who is the creator of the feelings I'm experiencing is just amazing on so many levels I can't even articulate.
I believe it makes me grow in ways I can't really orchestrate by kicking my own ass. It certainly exhausted me. I felt like he broke me, for a while. I've never experienced this- a punch to the heart that went through any possible shield I could ever have. This pain went kinda beyond pain if that makes sense. It cut bone, into the marrow of my identity and I bled out. I got angry (normal reaction). I wanted to lash out despite the fact I was the one who had done wrong (normal again). But then, I had to look at the truth. I had no wiggle room to delude myself and justify my anger, I had to peel the anger off and look at the fear underneath and I certainly feared that what he said was true. It was an identity crisis.
I learned that I cherry-pick the criteria for something I was so proud of that I staked my identity to it most of my life. It's not a semantics issue, I actually cherry-pick and reject any definitions that I feel I cannot meet easily. I then fell down a rabbit hole of pain as if the initial blow wasn't painful enough. It made me physically ill which when combined from the adrenaline the whole ordeal already sprung a leak of, I couldn't stomach it. That was new for me as well, to be physically overwhelmed and sickened by ... emotion. And to learn a few things on top of that.
It feels odd to be impressed when I was being punished, but I can't dismiss the idea that damn, this was an impressive feat. Not because I'm some bad ass (far from), but it's just been so rare to find someone who thinks like my Sadist. He demands to be the reason I am feeling pain in any scene, punishment or not, the pain is on his terms and he won't rest on his laurels letting me do some half-ass job at making myself miserable. It's ... he takes responsibility of it. He makes sure I learn the lesson correctly, too. It's ... fuck if I had a stronger command of language, it'd be nice to describe this fully.
The kicker is, I'm not surprised necessarily. I didn't expect anything basic to start with, but I guess I couldn't even fathom quite what actually went down. And to be clear, I didn't enjoy any element of this, I'm only appreciating the craftsmanship and it took me a bit to even be able to look at that. I don't think I've ever respected someone else this much and I feel bad saying that because there's a lot of people in my life I *should* respect more than I do. Respect, unfortunately, is a struggle for me, but it's coming so naturally for this man that I can't just gloss over that. I'm suddenly glad certain people don't know this blog exists. :/
I dunno, I'm still trying to describe something that happened and I feel I can't do it justice. At all. And it's been easy for me to look at or experience an erotic scene and see its beauty, but to find beauty and intimacy and vulnerability in punishment is rare for me. Actually, to be honest I've never felt vulnerable in a true sense in punishment before. I've been through a lot, but true vulnerability? Not a frequent flyer. Damn, I feel more connected to my real self (that thing I keep searching for) now. I think he's led me to finding an authentic piece of myself and that, of course, brings me closer under his arm. Things are still clicking as I jot this, sorry if so disjointed. Damn.
How the hell does being punished cause the most joy you've felt in weeks to just erupt like this? Am I losing my mind?? Why are my eyes leaking? Maybe it's too soon to post for public consumption, but eh, I needed to get my thoughts out while processing. This may end up having multiple parts or I may just stick with what I already have. I have a suspicion that this will be the most I can articulate because some magic just can't be illustrated by mere words.
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