9-5-2020 Journal

Cruel

The word probably brings up images of snarling sadists, in a kink community at least. There are many I've met in life and online that certainly fit the criteria and sometimes, I can get down with that. However, I've found in my personal experience that there's not much balance or even diversity with the real cruel ones. Then, I came to know of emotional sadomasochism which opened up a whole new world where, again, there was a lot of cruelty to sample as I wished. Again, it was very one flavor on the tongue in my experience until I stumbled upon my sadist. And … I can't say 'cruel' works, my desire for precision of language makes the word choice incorrect in my mind. (Oh, I totally fail to be precise with my words, by the way, don't want to give a false impression, it's just a goal I often never reach).

However, people who have witnessed our scenes or ones he's done with others would use the word 'cruel' to describe either the scene or the sadist himself. I've learned that you can't convince someone that any given person isn't cruel if they've already decided that the person is indeed. I describe it by getting them to imagine they've no comprehension of a doctor. There's no understanding of a doctor's skill or intent if you don't grasp what a doctor even is, right? Now, imagine you watch a doctor rebreaking a bone so it can heal properly. I'm sure it'd look barbaric. Cruel. Once you gain an understanding of what a doctor is, that ordeal you witnessed makes sense from an entirely new angle.

Are emotional sadists like doctors? Not all obviously, but mine has certainly healed parts of me I wasn't even aware were damaged. And it hurt like rebreaking a bone, on an emotional level. And the process looked barbaric to outsiders who don't understand this type of play, but also, to people who aren't privy to his purpose and intent. We often preach on here not to judge a book by its cover but we're all guilty of doing just that, myself included (ESPECIALLY). Whether it's a kink we don't get or someone doing our kink the wrong way, we're quite often as intolerable as the intolerable we point a finger at. Again, I'm no exception. I think it's human, to be honest, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't acknowledge our human nature while doing our best to reign it in and act better.

I feel I should add a disclosure of sorts. I myself am a sadist, too, not just a masochist. My style or flavor is laced thoroughly with cruelty. If someone called me cruel, I'd probably nod in agreement and go about my day. I don't necessarily like the fact that cruel is my niche is the world of sadism but I'm damn good at ruthless torture. It just bothers me when the word is flung around at people who really don't fit the definition. Things aren't always as they appear. For example, I'm sure I come across as harmless. Grins.