I'm aware that I'm insecure (I think most people can tell it too), but it's been a long time since I've really felt the powerlessness of it. I find it interesting that I feel more helpless sitting in that than fear and panic combined. Also interesting, I don't feed off this helplessness in my typical masochistic way. Fear and panic, yes please, I eat those up and ask for more. Anger and insecurity, huh uh, I wanna pass. I get that no one tends to like feeling intimidated or embarrassed in general (thinking with a vanilla mind here), but I'm so used to my masochism being stoked even in the vanilla world that it spun my head to find that I still don't like these things in a kink world. I'm really analytical right now and looking at my emotions like they're on a slide under a microscope and I'm as detached as a scientist. I just realized I'm disassociating from the entire experience.
To be honest here, it wasn't that bad, my response is just really riled up..? I'm not sure what's been triggered emotionally at the point, but something definitely has.
And I swear I can hear words echoing in my head about shaking loose what becomes entangled in a person. I'm aware something was yank upon a bit, not completely (probably due to mercy lol), but something is going to be pulled from me. I'm not sure what this has to do with pressure. I don't really associate pulling with exerting pressure, they tend to feel entirely different to me emotionally. My head is spinning.
The only things about this I can say for certain is that this is going to test my pain limits in specific areas that aren't the highest and that the pain will be worth it somehow. Everything else, I haven't a clue.
ADDENDUM
If being in pieces can be beautiful, what if I'm already fragmented? Juggling mental states all the time has had more downs than ups. If, when the pieces are picked up, they are arranged differently, would that allow me to see some of this that I don't understand?
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