Sometimes an emotional sadomasochism scene takes a while to marinate in your mind. It's rare for me (so far) to have a case where I'm so utterly confused by a scene that I can't even journal about it for weeks. Normally, the lessons gleaned from it is pretty clear for me, occasionally I'll get a few extra epiphanies that straggle, but yeah mostly I'm on point with things.
Now, first, I have got to say this the best that I can. I really have to stop and objectively look at the crafting of such an unusual scene and admire the fuck out of the craftsmanship before I can even get into the results. To have someone who cannot literally read minds be that in tune with me to not only get past my comprehension (yanno the conscious part of you that not only tries to understand but more often than not tries to FIGHT information? Yeah, that dick) but to hit an area I've never shared with anyone and was purposely hiding from myself. Like. Should this be about the craftsmanship or rather be marksmanship at this point? Jebus.
Bewildered, I really came away from this scene thinking well, I'm not sure I learned anything. I wasn't sure if I had been too dumb to get it or what. And my first instinct is to question my ability to see, learn, notice, etc. So for a few weeks, I kept playing with this puzzle in my head and just really couldn't. This, of course, made me play around with it even more. And even more. Yeah, I'm an obsessive personality type. Then- and idk how- it clicked. Just like a finger snap outta nowhere.
Since this area of my mind affected my marriage, the first thing I did was have a long conversation with my husband in which I also explained I had done wrong on a few things and apologized. Neither of us was exactly sure where to go from that point, but we had a weekend getaway (our state is semi- open I guess due to low covid risk) for our anniversary. And we just focused on reconnecting. Oh, and hot sex (I keep forgetting this is still supposed to be a safe place to talk about sex. Tongue firmly in cheek, btw).
So yeah, a scene with a brilliant sadist actually helped me fix a HUGE issue in my life/ marriage. An issue I didn't even realize was that huge because I was an expert at ignoring it and deflecting. It was an odd area of growth I never expected. And this area I'm being all vague about will probably affect more things in my life I imagine. I'm looking forward to that because I do honestly think it will all be positive. I believe a lot of the self-hate I had in my life and just general bitterness is due largely to this issue. And I feel silly because if I had just faced it instead of burying it down, maybe I'd have been a much happier person sooner. Ah well, this is how life is sometimes.
Special thank you to my sadist who is incredibly pivotal in my transformation. I say transformation rather than just growth because I literally feel like it's more than growth. I wish I had the words. I kinda feel like I'm becoming the person I truly am and was always meant to be before bad things happened in life. It's kinda hard to explain. But goodness, I wish everyone had someone like you in their life that cared enough to pull them out of themselves like this.
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