I've noticed a lot of improvement in the last several months that I directly attribute to playing with my sadist on the emotional level. I can't say with certainty which scenes caused what growth because often I think a lot of things work on the subconscious level and also all the scenes seem to tie together somehow (but in the long run, I can never seem to piece them together during or even shortly afterward). Regardless, it feels quite awesome to grow. It's growth I never expected to have and I probably wouldn't have known I even wanted.
Today I noticed I'm not as triggered by insecurity. I'm usually way more insecure than I let on (what you do see is just the tip of the iceberg). While I still have a lot more to work through, it really feels ... "nice"? to not be enslaved to negative emotions all the time. It's peaceful and I have zero problems with letting go of my immaturity- it's not something that's ever been beneficial. And tonight I'm reflecting on my past and what I will now refer to as an experiment to help me gain "emotional control".
This experiment wasn't conducted by me. I had achieved a level of it that I felt was good enough and was content with, but there was disagreement on that. So I was essentially trained. And I saw some small improvements but I also got more harm out of the experience than I can say it was worth. I didn't realize it as vividly as I do right here and now. I think I minimized how damaging the methods were and I recall my therapist saying that a few months back. The methods now feel a lot more like emotional repression, akin to what I experienced in childhood but framed differently. This isn't as much an eye-opener itself but to have true growth in the area really does change my perspective on the past.
I realize repression isn't controlling your reaction or even your emotions, it's ignoring them. Ignoring things isn't my nature at all and I think that probably was a huge factor in my depression and backsliding of my borderline personality disorder. (I had to seek out therapy again because I went from being considered "managed" to off the rails in about a five year period). In fact, the last time I had that much struggle with it, I was in gradeschool. Therapy hasn't really helped at all, unfortunately, but my sadist has done wonders for me. Funny how that works being recently someone made a crappy comment about how BDSM isn't therapy. Well, not everyone approaches the type of connections BDSM can offer with a mind open to learning and that's okay, but I most certainly DO want to learn.
I know I will always have some issues and immaturity. I know I will be in a constant state of growing. I'm okay with this and do realize that these facts don't make me a failure or less of a person. I don't have to be perfect to be worthy of my life. Heck, I don't even have to be a good person to be worthy, I just rather aim for it. I think, though, the important thing is not chasing perfection in order to validate my existence. See, validation is something I always thought I didn't need, but I was wrong; I merely sought it in a way different from what I've seen others do. I don't need to be understood by the masses. I don't need to be liked, loved, adored, whatever. I dislike attention in general and would just die being the center of it (you should've seen inside my brain at my wedding, seriously). I don't care about popularity, especially on social media. I dislike being called pretty, beautiful, attractive, what have you. I don't want or need these things at all. However, I did need to be perfect, not in all ways, but in a lot of ways so that I could somehow figuratively point at something that validated whatever effort it took to interact with me. I'm no different than anyone else in the basic need, just in the particulars.
I'm slowly letting go of the whole perfectionist bullshit. I don't understand how and it's probably still in smaller ways, but it's definitely happening. I'm happier for it and it seems so are the people around me. I feel less bitter about my childhood even. I think losing some of the perfectionist is making me realize my parents and siblings are only human as well and has made forgiveness a lot deeper. Perhaps I forgave them logically but never quite emotionally? I dunno. And it's caused me to interact with them differently somehow. Maybe I'm not holding back as much, maybe I smile more, laugh easier? Maybe I'm not such a bore or pain to be around? Who knows, but this change couldn't have come at a better time. My parents are older and have some serious health issues; quality time with them is the utmost important right now. This has been one of the shiniest gifts.
Sorry, this is gonna be long (cue brain vomit theme song). There's just so much to unpack here plus I got the stuff going on in the world in the back of my head. I'm not going to write about any of it, not because it's necessarily depressing but because I think we all see events and I don't think my putting my personal stamp on global things is warranted. I feel like a computer with 29 tabs open lol. I dunno maybe I should end this thing here because no one wants to read a book here. Anyway, just my mind map at the moment for anyone interested.
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